"She Never Broke Anything He Couldn't Fix" by Tyler Delvecchio

Hi! Welcome to Nino’s, how many?

D: Two

OK, right this way.

P: This certainly isn’t Bub’s Pub. We’ve been married for thirty years, and you pick a place we’ve never been to before?

D: Well you did say the same-old, same-old wasn’t working for us.

P: I don’t remember Bub or his Pub ever laying a hand on me.

D: Hey, I thought we were going to be civil.

Hello! Sorry for the wait. My name is Amy and I’ll be your server for this evening. Here are some waters to get yous started. Is there anything else I can get you guys to drink?

D: Water is fine for me, thanks.

P: Can I get a Malibu Baybreeze, please?

Alrighty, I’ll put those drinks in and be right back with your waters.

D: Baybreeze? Really shaking things up.

P: So you aren’t going to bother me for a sip since you’ve had it before?

D: Touché.

P: I’m glad that joke was civil enough.

D: Two-ché.

P: What?

D: Like “two” since I said it twice.

P: Went over my head. Good one.

D: I see you’re holding back a smile, don’t lie.

D: That’s why I’m glad we’re talking in person again. I feel so much is lost in translation over text. It matters how you say something.

P: I think what you say is more important than how you say it.

Here’s your Baybreeze. Are we ready to order or do yous need a few more minutes?

D: I think I’m good to order.

P: What? I’ve barely looked at the menu.

That’s OK! Take your time, and I’ll be back in a few.

P: What’re you so eager to order?

D: Veal Cacciatore.

P: I’d steal a bite of veal. Your accent needs work, though.

D: Do you mind if I try your Baybreeze?

D: That’s good. Really boozey, glad I’m driving.

P: Me too.

D: Find anything to pair it with?

P: I was thinking the Chicken Bruschetta.

D: And you say my accent needs work.

P: How would you say it?

How are we doing over here? Are yous ready to order?

D: I think so, I’ll have the Veal Cacciatore.

P: And can I have the Chicken Scampi and another Baybreeze, please?

Alrighty, I’ll be right back with that and a refill for your waters.

D: Change your mind at the last minute?

P: Is that not allowed?

D: Do you have to have a snarky remark about everything?

P: This was your idea. This is for you.

D: This is for us.

P: You think everything for you is for us.

D: At least I’m thinking about us at all.

Here’s your Baybreeze, and your food should be out soon.

P: Thank you.

D: You happy now that you have another drink?

P: You’re such an asshole.

D: You started it.

P: Did I beg you to give everything a fresh start?

D: Thirty years is too long to just throw away.

P: This isn’t just about us. You need to work on your relationship with our children.

D: Can’t this be about us?

D: I miss you.

P: I don’t know if I miss you or if I miss not being alone.

D: You don’t have to be alone.

P: Don’t try to hold my hand. It took you how many texts before you saw me in person?

D: I’m not trying to rush anything. I was serious about counseling.

P: This isn’t the first time you’ve been serious about counseling.

D: Don’t I seem more serious than before?

P: You do.

P: But I’m still not sure.

Hey guys. Here’s the Veal Cacciatore. And here’s the Chicken Scampi. Is there anything else I can get you guys?

D: I’m all set.

P: Can I get another Baybreeze, please?

Absolutely, enjoy your food.

D: The Cacciatore is fantastic.

P: Cacciatore.

D: Hey not bad. You gotta work on rolling your Rs though.

P: Cacciatore.

D: Getting there, getting there. How’s the chicken?

P: It’s really good, want to try?

D: Sure.

D: That’s delicious. I might get that next time I’m here.

Here’s your Baybreeze.

P: Thank you very much.

How did everything come out? Is there anything else I can help yous with?

D: I think we’re good.

D: Try my veal; here’s a bite without mushroom.

P: Cacciatore has mushrooms in it?

D: Apparently.

P: That’s not bad, I think I like mine better.

D: Looks like the change of heart was worth it.

D: The garage door opener still giving you issues?

P: Well it didn’t fix itself.

D: You’ve still been using the garage right?

P: Yeah, I pulled the red cord just like you said.

D: It’s a good thing it was stuck closed. Remember when—

P: Oh my god, don’t remind me.

D: I’ve never seen you jump so high in my life.

P: That’s why I was so nervous pulling the red cord this time.

D: The door was already down. Did you think it was gonna slam back up?

P: I don’t know! You’re such an asshole.

D: If you want, I can swing by sometime and take a look at the garage door opener.

P: I’ll think about it. I swear everything around the house has been breaking since you left.

D: Well it’s like you always say, you never broke anything that I couldn’t fix.

P: Ugh, I’m stuffed.

D: I know, me too. This was really nice.

How was everything? Can I get you guys dessert or coffee?

P: Just the check, please.

Together or Separate?

Tyler DelVecchio graduated from Penn State University and dropped out of the honors program. While he was there, he wrote some words for Penn State's humor and satire publication Phroth and played Magic: The Gathering semi-competitively. Lately, he’s been comparing movies to Robocop and playing Magic: The Gathering casually. He aspires to figure out how to use a degree and to stop playing Magic. You can follow him on Twitter @ColonDee.

Tyler’s piece is a selection from issue one of Beer Money, which is available now. All profits are divided evenly among the editors and contributors.

Jason GongComment